We Followers of the Sacred Text a la Mode believe in one basic thing.... Pie! We think the Holy Pie made the Universe and all things in it. We also believe there are many Minor Gods but they can be found out about in our Holy Text below:
The Sacred Text A La Mode
At first there was nothing. And then there was pie. Pie is all around us. The Pie God created us. Our world baked for four days, and on the fifth day, the Pie God had a beer. The Pie God flies around us in Billions of pie parts, observing our every move. He doesn’t watch us to enforce his morals, because he has none. He just likes to laugh at us. The Pie God loves all humans because we make him laugh so. The world was created in the image of the pie. It has an outer crust and a warm juicy filling in the middle. Pie has existed since the beginning of time. Actually, it was before that. The Pie God inspired the pies we eat today. People who were divinely inspired by his essence created pies. The Greeks were the first to make pie, but it was the settlers of the new America who got pie the way it should be. If we do something “bad” we know it’s bad. Killing your fellow humans is bad. The Pie God and the other minor Gods in “The After World” deal with whatever we do in our life. We don’t talk about “The After World.” No one knows what happens there, but it’s where the Gods reside. When we die, we go there. If we are bad enough, The Gods will decide, and Fatty Mc Butterpants may eat us, where we will be gnawed on for two millenniums. Sometimes it is said we will be digested into the core of the earth. But we all agree that we are connected in Piedom. In the end, the Pie God decides our fate. Every Wednesday is when we pray to the Pie God, the day the religion was knownst to humans. To pray, connect your pinkies, ring fingers, and middle fingers together by their tips, pull your palms away from each other, outstretch your index fingers, and bend your thumbs. Acknowledge the Pie God, and you’re done. The Pie God does not mind if you have another religion. You are free to practice it and believe what you want. There is one thing he asks though, and that is to believe in pie. Pieism is all about…believing in pie. One day every one million years, on March 26th, the Swarming of the Pies takes place. Inadvertently, One million years in “The After World” is one year in our time. So every March 26th is The Swarming of the Pies. This is when the Pie God groups back together all the pie parts flying around the world to become whole again. On this day he cannot see what you do, so one can get away with certain things. On this holiest of days, no pie is to be eaten, because the Pie God cannot form back together with the consumption of pie-based foods. One must wear cool-looking sunglasses on this day in the possibly event of the sun exploding. Which could happen any day now for reasons no one knows. In the case of the sun exploding, whoever is wearing sunglasses will not become blind and would be saved by The Pie God. Plus, they look cool. The founding day of Pieism is December 10th. It is The Day of Pie. When saying “The Day of Pie.” One must repeat the word “PIE” at least four times after in an echo-like effect. This is to dramatize this day, and make all know that pie is holy. On this day, and with all other Pieism holidays, everyone must be referred to by their Pie Name, which is given to them on the day of initiation. There is a ceremonial pie eaten of choice. Before the feat everyone must say the Pie Hymn. “Oooooh Pie. Mmmmmm.” On the days before and after every major holiday, pie is to be eaten. Mind you, you may only eat the pie if you celebrate the holiday. The holidays of pie eating are: - The days before and after Christmas - The day before New Years Day and on New Years Day - The days before and after Halloween - The days before and after Thanksgiving - The days of Hanukkah - Any Religious Holiday - The day of April Fools (The Pie God has a sense of Humor) - Your birthday
These are “Pieism Days” where one rejoices with pie. Everyone must say the Pie Hymn before feasting on a pie of choice. A pie of choice could be any pie. There are many kinds of pies in this Pie-world of ours. Apple Pie, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Cherry Pie, Cobbler, Quiche, Pot Pie, Pizza Pie, Crème-filled Doughnuts, Cupcakes, Cake, Crème-filled Danishes, Shepard’s Pie, and many more. Everyone is to be referred to by his or her Pie Names on these days. When someone joins the Pie religion, they eat some form of pie, and have a current member initiate them. The current member says “In Pie We Trust,” and the one joining responds, “I have my finger stuck in the Pie.” They are then given a Pie Name of their choice. It can be anything. If the new member cannot think of a name, a Pie Preacher will give them one, or approve one for them. They are now a fellow Pieite. Pie Preachers are divine Pieites who spread the religion of Pieism. There are two as of The Day of Pie. Iron Banana and Captain Spakin’ Crackers. But there is no Church for pies. Pies have no house, they are to be shared by everyone. And the Preachers do not try and convert people away from their believed religions, but rather enlighten them about pie. Some may ask why we eat pies when they are Holy. It is because The Pie God wants to share the pie-goodness of pies. He is pleased when pies are eaten. They were created in his image, and pay respect to him. There are Minor Gods in “The After World.” These are the offspring of The Pie God. However, they are only minor Gods, and are not as powerful as The Pie God or as cool. These are the known Gods:
The Pie God- Baker of the World.
The God of Cupcakes- Was created to give Humans companies such as Hostess.
The God of Pumpkin Pie- His self image is eaten at Thanksgiving to make up for missing him on the day of Halloween, a holy day of candy and monsters.
The God of Doughnuts- Created to give Humans companies such as Krispy Crème.
The God of Useless Crap- Provided the world with all the stupid things that serve no purpose.
The Cake God- Ruler of cakes. Eating cake for a pie is okay, but not as preferred as an actual pie. Cake is the least liked of pies, because it really isn’t a pie. The Cake God gets angry because everyone likes pie so much and he does one bad thing every year. The most cataclysmic event at the time is caused by his temper.
Fatty McButterpants- The God who eats.
Jumbo, the Guard of The End of the Universe- A giant sperm whale with a top hat and monocle who patrols the End of the Universe so no one gets through. The End of The Universe is filled with scary things we could not possibly comprehend, like Microsoft systems that actually work.
The God of Pointy-Things- Ruler of all pointy things in the world. People who love pointy things usually pray to him as well as The Pie God.
The Cheese God- Cheese is a divine substance inspired by the Gods. The Cheese God is queen of all dairy products and is feared by those who are lactose intolerant.
There is one thing all Pieites should fear. Clowns. It was Spanky the Clown, a powerful clown entity who once challenged The Pie God. He was slain and sent to the center of Mars for a million eternities. Clowns are evil. People who dress up as clowns are like Satanic worshipers. They are worshiping Spanky and his evilness and are minions under his will. If a clown tries to eat you, you can prevent it by clapping your hands and saying, “Blahghiddybloo.” While we all disagree on certain things, Pieites all believe in one thing…Pie. We all believe in pie. Pie is good. Pie is great. Anyone who hates pie cannot be a Pieite. If someone hates all pies and means it, they are guaranteed to be eaten by Fatty McButterpants when they die.
The New Followers of Holy Pie (New Followers)
This blog is about one of the three historical churchs of Pieism, the New Followers of the Holy Pie. We were once ruled by Pieism.org but then our founder and original leader, Captain Spankin Crackers, left us and his site dissapeared. Then, in June 2007, we voted a new leader: Captain Pie Master. Later, from September 2007 until February 2008, we gave up the lore of the Mode and became a part of the Union of Pieism. Finally, in April 2009, we decided to merge our Church into the Church of JoJo Pieism, and we decided to close our site...